Oh yay

I got it back, don't know how, but Yay.

oh crap

So, I just typed for about 30 minutes ...pearls of wisdom that are here, and now, gone forever...and then I did something wrong and lost it all...so ...Oh, Crap. Another day.

Wow, 2009

Wow indeed! It is the second day of February, 2009...January just whizzed by...I took care of Jacob for a week while Melly went to London, Rome and Paris...He and I had a wonderful time together. He missed his Mom and Dad a lot, but he continually rallied and enjoyed his days...He got smarty once at Trader Joes and I explained, later, in the car that I felt embarassed and humiliated when he did that and it made me feel sad...He really got it and apologized and that was the end of it...He worked hard to get homework done and all his "chart" things finished every day...so did I. Now...I got some exciting news...I posed for a naked statue for Tanya Ragir...she is a sculptor friend of 25 or so years...anyway, it was just going to be a clay Statue in a series she is doing of women she knows and loves. She is trying to have a difference in Ages and I was the perfect 72 year old..(now I am 73). Anyway...Now, the statue will be cast in Bronze...so it is a big deal...Very expensive to create because it is life size. So...I am Immortal at last...tickles me to think of some Archeologist 5000 years from now finding a shard of that piece and speculating about the people of the past that it represents...They will think that we looked much older. Actually, it is the first representation of a woman in my age group I have ever seen that is NOT all caved in and hopeless and end of life looking...My statue looks like a woman warrior...powerful and present and proud..I am tickled by that as well. I also had a lot of revelations about myself, my age, my looks, my weight, etc. A long time ago I did a collage of my life as a little book and on the last page I put "To be beautiful, or not to be, is no longer the question." I was creeping into my late 50's, early 60's at the time, I think...around 1995 or so...I was trying to discover something with the collages and when I look at them now, I can see my own process and growth and understanding. I am so glad to learn that you keep learning more and more as you age...I was really afraid of being bored as an Old Lady...with no option to be otherwise...But, happily, there is always more to learn, discover, etc. as I go along...I will probably look back on this with amusement if I am alive in my 90's...as I look back on things I wrote in my 50's..so sure that I had at last found the answer...not wrong, of course, just not realizing that what is right and perfect for a 50 year old to know and be sure of will most surely change. That has been the case with me, anyhow...My 50's insights fall a little short these days...kind of interesting. I just might spend more time listening to my friends who are much older than I am...Maybe. Or, it may be like the exercise promises I make and do not keep even though I KNOW......
I just finished teaching my wall class at Otis, and I think it went well...but...the teaching thing takes a lot of energy and schleping of stuff so I may rethink it. A couple of the students really hauled around and cleaned up everything and helped me to my car...that was really nice...it would have taken me an hour or more all by myself. Then, when I got home, I was talking to Joyce about how tired I was and I said that if George Clooney showed up and "wanted" me, I would have to pass because I was just too pooped...a few minutes later..a little arm came over the gate, feeling for the lock. Joyce had driven like a fiend to show up and help me. Blessed with friends, I am. So, today, no Angst...at least not so you'd notice...but, as I said last time "Tomorrow is another day".

Still thinking it over

So, since the last entry, I did have the surgery...it was embarassingly easy. What was all the fuss about??? I feel much more fabulous now that it is over...I really think that it was draining energy and making me feel tired and now that is not the case...also helps that I have been SOOOOO careful about diet. Anyway, all excuses for proceeding are ending and I may just have to figure out what my next move is and make it...yikes! I did sign up for two classes at Otis...Embroidery, which I really like a lot and a very exciting new field..Documentary Film Making...I am really excited about the film making class and I already have a subject in mind..I want to feature Hal Cunningham, a friend and fellow Artist who is 97. His age will preclude me from much procrastination, because if I want to do this I better get on it NOW! Anyway, it has been such a long time since I have been really excited about something and think I would want to stay up all night to do it...last time I pulled many all nighters that were not for money was when I was studying painting in the late 1970's and early 1980's. Funny thing that just now, at the library, one of the painting teachers I got a lot from at SMC just walked by and said HI Carole...wow, maybe that is a sign? ya think? I know that our country will be in for big changes in the next years and I guess I will be too. It is time to move and forget that I am 73 and proceed as if the time is forever...that is what Hal does and probably why, at 97, he still goes into the studio and makes his Art every day...even when he broke his hip recently, he sucked it up and did what was needed so he could climb the stairs to his studio to work. Also, I remeber visiting with Beatrice Wood when she was in her late 90's or maybe 100 and feeling the life force in her so strong. She, also, went into the studio every day to make Art. Surely I can make this Libra decision and move along as well. The feeling is of standing on a cliff edge and peering over to see the water below and wondering and wondering if I should just jump in...I even bore myself with these vacilations...I think I should just jump...the water is fine!

Life

So, like the John Lennon Song "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans" I was cooking along, procrastinating while I perused my navel and imagining that I was going to come to some conclusion about my life plans and I had what the doctors say was a Gall Bladder attack and They scheduled a surgery on Oct 30 ... a week before that date I had a terrible Anxiety attack (my first in my memory) and my face got red and pulsing and my blood pressure shot up and my stomach was upset and I was shaking. Sooo I called up and canceled the surgery until I could get more information...Today I went on the Mayo Clinic site (Andrew helped me with that) and informed myself about Gall Bladders and what you can do with them...so I feel much better about the surgery now and I will reschedule it asap. I was really scared...just didn't have enough information...I am now convinced that I will need to do it...anyway, it will let me procrastinate my life plans just a little bit longer! Any Port in a Storm!!

Goodbye September, Hello October...

So, I missed all of September...I went on September 8 to Pennsylvania to visit with Andrew and Melissa and came home the night of the 15th...then I got a cold right away which was a corker and lasted and lasted through the whole month of Sept. I finally went to the doctor on October 6 and got some antibiotics and cough medicine...so this is the first time in almost a month that I am once again human. Today is my Birthday and I feel very lovely...had a lot of calls this AM with songs and I am going to the beach and asking the waves about how to proceed with my life...Today I am 73 years old...who would have thunk it??? My plans for my life never included old age and yet here I am right in the thick of it and feeling pretty much fine and dandy. I just have to decide what to do next...I tend to float. I just have to gird my loins and leap into the next thing. I always am able to do that eventually, though I do seem to need to hang around the edges and think it over for a while. I will be teaching at Otis and UCLA in the Spring and so I will have a little money for that...it is gratifying to be invited to teach. I need to contact Santa Monica College and set something up there. I am enjoying embroidery and my personal inspiration books that I keep. I spent some time gluing inspiring photos into my ART, FURNITURE and SCREEN books...Maybe now I will actually MAKE some Art that will be inspired by them...Maybe...No...I must be more positive and sure about my intention to actually proceed with my Art...OR I need to stop dreaming about it...Maybe. Here I am, Carole Maybe Free...undecided as usual...Well, Today is my Birthday, so I do not have to do anything that I do not want to do, so I will get on the stick tomorrow...No Guts, No Glory...Shit or get off the Pot...Spit in one hand and Wish in the other and see which one gets full first...I won't think about this today, I'll go crazy if I do...I'll Think about this tomorrow...after all, Tomorrow is another day....The end.

August is here and gone

So, it is almost the end of August and nothing much going on EXCEPT...tearing up my bathroom (urged by Melly and performed by Melly assisted by Liz and finally Me) AND re tiling the shower with broken dish and tile Mosaic and Grouting and Grouting and Still more Grouting that is not done yet...The grouting takes a lot of time because a. it is vertical b. I am using a very dark grout and c. There are 3 dimensional objects to deal with...BUT IT IS SO COOL!! Everyone who has seen it has said "Wow" And, Tanya said it was really an Art Piece It changes the whole house! Also, I got a brand new back door...the old one was bending when you closed it and also it would not close all the way...so I am very excited about my new door...If I can figure out how to fix up the Garage and the Roof I will be very happy...working on that now...Also I got a new job for Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas designing a tile room to be used as a pottery studio...I have learned even more about tiling doing this and I think it will be beautiful as well as safe and practical to use. Andrew and Melissa came for a visit and mostly just went through my garage during their time with me...2 days...and I will get some hang out time when I go to Pennsylvania in 2 weeks for the wedding of her Father and Suzette...REALLY looking forward to that!!! Life is good and very worth hanging around for...Can hardly wait to see the next step...always an adventure just around the corner!!! I will be 73 in October and it is nothing like I imagined 73 would be when I was young...I didn't think it would be any fun...and it IS!!!