Thanksgiving day, 2009

Well, it has been a long time and here I am at Melly's for Thanksgiving.. Andrew and Melissa are here as well (from Pennsylvania) and Noah and Jason and his friend Alex...The whole family. Very nice to be here today. The whole job search thing is very hard. I am having a problem even getting an interview...although the guy at worksource who interviewed me said "If they don't hire you they are crazy". Nice to hear, but I have to get an interview to dazzle 'em. It looks like I will have to pull it out of my ass one more time. I have some ideas for screens and doors that might sell well and bring in some $$$. Also getting the house ready to sell still. Still, still, still....Slowly but surely I divest things and creep to the conclusion which will bring in the big bucks. In the meantime, I am actually doing Art...paintings of my own thing...amazing. Well, I am right now surrounded by music and talking and so I go...(I got an iphone to get my email, so there will be bigger gaps in this blog) bye bye for now.

New Work

Well, now I am really excited!!! I am seriously into jobsearch mode. I finally realize that my years as a decorative painter are in the past...all the supplies and equipment are moving elsewhere. Don's friend and neighbor came and took ALL of the Mosaic stuff away and tidied the area as well...so my back yard is almost empty...all the books have been donated to the Library except the ones I will give to Students on the first day of school at Otis...teaching "Art Furniture" this semester. The change in my life goals is being realized. I have signed up to get some help from Worksource and the State to get help with my resume and also to help me focus my energy. I need to find out where I fit in. Todays job market is not the same as the last time I looked for work. I have been self employed for 25 + years, after all. I am hoping to find something that will require me to venture forth and use more of my skills and creativity. My only worry is my age...but surely there is a place for all my experience...I am hoping that teaching might work out..I am starting there, at least. I do love to teach...love to see that little light go on in someone when they do "get it"...but, I will consider something else if it is a good fit and stirs my excitement. The house is getting ready to go on the market...I have a little fear of calling realtors to get feedback because my past experience with the whole thing was not good....BUT I am older and wiser now, so maybe I will be better at it. Anyway, it must be done and no one else to do it but me. No one else to do anything that needs doing now...(how lovely it would be to put on a 50's face and let some big strong man handle it for me)...whoops...that is exactly what got me into the pickle I am in...so, like Melissa I will be the "Reluctant Decider" and forge ahead...a grand adventure awaits and I am sailing into it with 'elan and panache (whatever that means). So I sally forth and will post again with the results of the sallying.

I move my butt

So, my daughter, Melanie, gave me Liz, her Nanny and Noah, my grandson to help me get all the crap out of my house so I can sell it and move to a smaller (?) and nicer place...the old house is really getting hard to care for, a lot of stuff needs repair and the tree is so huge and becoming a problem...too much for me right now. SOOOOOO.....Liz and I worked for a day and came up with a plan and moved garage stuff into the yard and Noah came over and convinced me that a garage sale was a lot of work in the hot sun and would not, in the long run, be very profitable...I sat like a dying lump for a while and agreed...he took most of the stuff to Thrift shops that day. Don came over and took all the videos and he knows a guy who does Mosaic work and will ask him to come for stuff...I said if he would take it ALL...he could have it ALL...but, no picking through it and leaving a mess for me to deal with...also going to try to do the same thing with my paint supplies (that is real hard) Painters have all the paint that I have and more and do not want it and everyone else has no use for such a quantity. I either have to schlep it to recycle 15 gallons at a time or pay someone to haul it away. PLEASE let me remember this as I go into a new phase of my creative self...DO NOT collect an ENORMOUS pile of materials that I MIGHT need to use...it is not just the waste of money paying for this and that....The real torture is trying to deal with the stuff that I just never got around to using...it is "good" stuff (in my mind) and dealing with it seduces me into thinking that I might just get back to that particular idea and actually produce it. The trouble is, that I have an idea a minute...they fire through my brain constantly...I would need the speed of light to actuate all of them...and I have to remember that as I divest myself of the latest collection and be firm with myself about any future thing I think I want to do. My new living situation will probably be an Apartment or a Condo and there will simply not be enough room. LET ME REMEMBER THIS TIME...LET ME REMEMBER THIS TIME...LET ME REMEMBER THIS TIME.
This is Saturday and Noah comes again on Monday...maybe we can haul it all and be done with it (or maybe not) I am hoping we can do it and then I can truly be free to move, to roam, to travel light into this new future..I did change my name to Free for a reason...maybe now the power of the name will keep me moving my butt forward.

Hey Hey

So, it is now August and I have had a hell of a month in July...had my leg in a cast, had walking pneumonia, had a big portion of a tree fall into my yard and block my entrance, got a parking ticket and ran out of money...also had another mri of my head to see if the lesion has grown...now it is August and my cast is off, the tree is taken care of and paid for, the cough is subsiding and the mri of my head showed no growth of the lesion and I sent in the check for the ticket...thank God for August...I am now looking for a job and that should help the money problem...so onward and upward...Hey Hey.

A Jake Story

So, yesterday I was "sitting" with my grandson, Jacob and we were playing Dodgeball and practicing soccer kicks in the street in front of his house. There is a gully (a river of small proportion, lined in cement) that runs from uphill and ends up in the Ocean. This time of year there is just a small stream about 15" wide or so in the center of the gully. Not enough to be dangerous, but enough to carry a soccerball into the ocean, never to be seen again. Well, eventually, of course, the ball went over the side and into the stream and began its journey to the Sea. Jacob was over the side and into the gully in a microsecond, chasing the ball and eventually catching up to it. Now, he had the ball, but knew he could not climb out with it. He began to throw it up the side...always a little short...trying different ways to throw. Melanie was here by now and encouraging him to try underhand throws...and...a miracle...one of the throws cleared the edge and landed in the dirt near our feet. Now, the only problem was for him to climb out of the gully...a 12-15 foot wall that is slightly sloped, but very steep. He is wearing soccer shoes with plastic cleats and tries again and again to run and get enough momentum to take him to the top...of course the cleats slipped and even if he took them off he probably could not make it all the way to the top...he never panicked, just kept trying over and over. Melanie went to get Albhy to help and Jacob and I were alone. He looked up at me and said "wait, let me think, if I am smart..." a lightbulb went off and he took off running shouting "follow me Gamma, I might need you to help me". He ran for the bridge calling "come with me". When he got there , he grabbed a rope hanging on the side of the bridge and easily climbed out. He had remembered the rope and saved himself. Why is this a story to remember? Because Jacob just turned 6 in May.

June

So now it is June and I am just fine in all ways. I have many ideas for the near future, my Trompe L'0eil class is cooking along, nice people and I am feeling the joy that comes from teaching...I always get in touch with my own creativity and energy when I teach...last week was that lovely time after a demonstration when all the students were working and they all were humming along...it is different than quiet, there is a flow in the room, an energy that is felt, not heard as everyone settles into themselves and explores what they are doing. Quiet on the outside, but working very hard inside their own heads...you can feel it, and I love it. I am enjoying the painting class that I am taking a lot...he makes me work inside myself and I am one of the people who is quiet on the outside and working hard inside...a good thing...He is a very good teacher and I have recommended him to Amy at Otis...hope that works out for him. I am accepting more and more who I am and what is important to me and what is NOT important to me. Trying to stay with all that as I go along. It is interesting to notice that I still have to do some work just to be myself. Seems so simple...isn't. Or maybe it is just that simple and I just like to worry things to death...??? I do have a very busy brain. Life is a very good thing to be in...I feel happy with myself and looking forward to my future dreams and accomplishments. If only a few things come to pass that will be good. I do not often realize how much I do and accomplish in my life...tend to go over the things I didn't get to instead..hope that can change...Would that I will feel this way, the way i feel today, for the rest of my life...yes.

What the hell happened to April???

So, it is May and I have no idea what happened to April..was there an April this year? It is mid May...I am back on Medication for my heart, but seeing someone next week for an Ablation (spelling?) Anyway, an operation to fix the part that is out of rythm...I really need to get rid of the Meds, they drag me down a LOT. Also, went to the Orthopedist for my knee, ended up seeing his associate for Arthritis, who did a Bone scan that showed something in my head ( which scared me) (I thought there was nothing in my head) anyway, had a MRI and CT scan of my brain...not conclusive. Bob Wallace (dear friend) took my tests to work and showed them to several Neurologists he knows. They concur that it does not look like a bad thing, that I should take more tests in a couple of Months to see if it moves AND....the good news is that most people my age have some brain atrophy and I have NONE!!! or at least, none that shows...I am very happy about that. I am kind of mad at myself for fiddle-farting around with my talents and time...although this is not new and I always seem to get started again with my own drummer...I will be teaching Trompe L'oiell this summer at Otis if it is a go...and Art Furniture in the Fall...hope both classes come to pass..I could use the money..and I guess I really need to tackle the furniture in the Garage...Melly said that Noah could help me to organize a sale of some kind...what I really know is that whether or not this miracle sale takes place I need to move shit out of my life so I can be free to fly...still possible to fly, I think, even at 73 almost 74...just requires some wing flapping and faith... so here is to May...the month almost gone with June creeping up on me...still wondering what the hell happened to April???

March On #2

Well, still off the medication and feeling good except my heart still out of rhythm and beating way too fast. I will need to do something about that because the doctor says that if it keeps on so fast (over l00) that it will just get too tired...I will consider something to slow it down, but I really HATE to take stuff...anyway, New News is that I finished my little Mini "Cool Globe" and delivered it and it will now be part of the exhibition at Exposition Park in April...There will be something in LA Times Magazine on April 5 and the thing will be on April 22. I will probably go, even though my part in it is so small...I really wish I had been able to do a large globe...but, I just did not have anyplace large enough to accomodate the globe and the pallet it came on. I think mine is cool, anyway. I am working on a dreaded portrait (not my thing) in the painting class with Don and it will soon be over and we will move on to landscape (better, I think) I am still weeding out and feeling not so good about my progress, but at least I do something, no matter how small...I keep telling students that you can do anything one bite at a time...I just take myself too literally sometimes. My goals for the summer are to go through the house once more, discarding, to learn ebay so I can move some of the better stuff on and to really tackle the back yard which is all grown with weeds again...(sob)...I want a yard like Hal's and Don's They are my inspiration for a really beautiful and welcoming outdoor space...we will see if I can pull that off with no money. I will also buy a lotto ticket from time to time...you never know...I could either be hit by lightening as I leave the house or win the lotto...The odds, I hear favor the lightening...but...you never know...

March On

Since last Month, a lot has happened. First, I stopped all my medication for my heart except for coumadin...The meds were damaging my liver and messing up my head...I had tremors in my hand...couldn't sign my name right and I just went to the Eye Doctor and the Amiodorone has built up in my corneas...so, no more...heart has been out of rythm for 15 days and I feel just fine. I did not realize how much the medication was affecting my mood and energy until it was gone...I think that will be an important thing for me to remember in the future...anyway, now I feel GREAT!!! I am going to try Acupuncture with Konosuke at his school...his supervisor is specializing in acupuncture as it relates to the heart. Can't hurt, might help. Even better Great News...just returned from Tanya Ragir's Studio and the statue that I posed for. She did a pressing and made me a bust of my piece that I can keep and that is G rated...very cool...she says that we can get together and do the glazing as a team and have some fun with it...I am really looking forward to that...then, I will probably make some kind of mosaic for it to live on...maybe even a fountain...fun! I am finally feeling some energy for my life and happily working away at it. Taking a painting class with Don on Wednesdays and I think that will really put me on the right track, Artistic-wise. I am still contemplating the Dog Bed idea and also Dog-sitting...reading some books, etc. I know that eventually I will move a little faster, especially now that my body is freeing itself of the toxins that have been entering it for the last 5 years...Life is good...Melanie and Albhy are extending me a line of credit so I can keep my nose above water...it is a real shame that I just got too burnt out on Decorative Painting...I know so much about it...But, I really feel all through with that part of my life and am much more willing to proceed than I have been in the past...what is next??? I will just keep getting up every day and doing what I do and I will see what that brings...Maybe I am a Lily of the field and that is OK too. Life is a grand Adventure.

Thursday

So, today I went for a test for my heart and really pushed my self on the treadmill...out of breath and puffing like a locomotive...then came here to the library. I am kind of bored, kind of stuck, kind of not knowing where I am going exactly. I need to go home and write, write, write...I always can write here, of course, but there are a lot of distractions, kids yelling...an old lady who is reading and vocalizing what she reads, etc...just minor annoyances, but I am already scattered and stuck. I will, I think just run on home and write...but first, I will use the internet to help me in my job quest...then we will see. I am not out of gas...my engine is just missing a little...need a tuneup.

Now What?

Now I just got to the library and did email and am sitting here wondering Now What? I went to City Hall and filled out an application for a job I thought I could get away with doing only to discover that some essay questions were also required and that I did not have anything to essay about that related to the jobs in question...so I can't even seem to apply for a job properly...it has been such a long time...Now I think that Dog sitting, or even (shudder) going out to the garage and painting a piece of furniture is a good idea...It seems to me that I would do a good job in an office...only thing is that there are no office jobs that I can find to apply for...So, with my tail between my legs, I will shuffle off home and ruminate about my future...It is raining, and a very grey and depressed day..perhaps not the best time to make a real decision. There is always tomorrow, Famous Tomorrow!! I will post more later.

Oh yay

I got it back, don't know how, but Yay.

oh crap

So, I just typed for about 30 minutes ...pearls of wisdom that are here, and now, gone forever...and then I did something wrong and lost it all...so ...Oh, Crap. Another day.

Wow, 2009

Wow indeed! It is the second day of February, 2009...January just whizzed by...I took care of Jacob for a week while Melly went to London, Rome and Paris...He and I had a wonderful time together. He missed his Mom and Dad a lot, but he continually rallied and enjoyed his days...He got smarty once at Trader Joes and I explained, later, in the car that I felt embarassed and humiliated when he did that and it made me feel sad...He really got it and apologized and that was the end of it...He worked hard to get homework done and all his "chart" things finished every day...so did I. Now...I got some exciting news...I posed for a naked statue for Tanya Ragir...she is a sculptor friend of 25 or so years...anyway, it was just going to be a clay Statue in a series she is doing of women she knows and loves. She is trying to have a difference in Ages and I was the perfect 72 year old..(now I am 73). Anyway...Now, the statue will be cast in Bronze...so it is a big deal...Very expensive to create because it is life size. So...I am Immortal at last...tickles me to think of some Archeologist 5000 years from now finding a shard of that piece and speculating about the people of the past that it represents...They will think that we looked much older. Actually, it is the first representation of a woman in my age group I have ever seen that is NOT all caved in and hopeless and end of life looking...My statue looks like a woman warrior...powerful and present and proud..I am tickled by that as well. I also had a lot of revelations about myself, my age, my looks, my weight, etc. A long time ago I did a collage of my life as a little book and on the last page I put "To be beautiful, or not to be, is no longer the question." I was creeping into my late 50's, early 60's at the time, I think...around 1995 or so...I was trying to discover something with the collages and when I look at them now, I can see my own process and growth and understanding. I am so glad to learn that you keep learning more and more as you age...I was really afraid of being bored as an Old Lady...with no option to be otherwise...But, happily, there is always more to learn, discover, etc. as I go along...I will probably look back on this with amusement if I am alive in my 90's...as I look back on things I wrote in my 50's..so sure that I had at last found the answer...not wrong, of course, just not realizing that what is right and perfect for a 50 year old to know and be sure of will most surely change. That has been the case with me, anyhow...My 50's insights fall a little short these days...kind of interesting. I just might spend more time listening to my friends who are much older than I am...Maybe. Or, it may be like the exercise promises I make and do not keep even though I KNOW......
I just finished teaching my wall class at Otis, and I think it went well...but...the teaching thing takes a lot of energy and schleping of stuff so I may rethink it. A couple of the students really hauled around and cleaned up everything and helped me to my car...that was really nice...it would have taken me an hour or more all by myself. Then, when I got home, I was talking to Joyce about how tired I was and I said that if George Clooney showed up and "wanted" me, I would have to pass because I was just too pooped...a few minutes later..a little arm came over the gate, feeling for the lock. Joyce had driven like a fiend to show up and help me. Blessed with friends, I am. So, today, no Angst...at least not so you'd notice...but, as I said last time "Tomorrow is another day".

Still thinking it over

So, since the last entry, I did have the surgery...it was embarassingly easy. What was all the fuss about??? I feel much more fabulous now that it is over...I really think that it was draining energy and making me feel tired and now that is not the case...also helps that I have been SOOOOO careful about diet. Anyway, all excuses for proceeding are ending and I may just have to figure out what my next move is and make it...yikes! I did sign up for two classes at Otis...Embroidery, which I really like a lot and a very exciting new field..Documentary Film Making...I am really excited about the film making class and I already have a subject in mind..I want to feature Hal Cunningham, a friend and fellow Artist who is 97. His age will preclude me from much procrastination, because if I want to do this I better get on it NOW! Anyway, it has been such a long time since I have been really excited about something and think I would want to stay up all night to do it...last time I pulled many all nighters that were not for money was when I was studying painting in the late 1970's and early 1980's. Funny thing that just now, at the library, one of the painting teachers I got a lot from at SMC just walked by and said HI Carole...wow, maybe that is a sign? ya think? I know that our country will be in for big changes in the next years and I guess I will be too. It is time to move and forget that I am 73 and proceed as if the time is forever...that is what Hal does and probably why, at 97, he still goes into the studio and makes his Art every day...even when he broke his hip recently, he sucked it up and did what was needed so he could climb the stairs to his studio to work. Also, I remeber visiting with Beatrice Wood when she was in her late 90's or maybe 100 and feeling the life force in her so strong. She, also, went into the studio every day to make Art. Surely I can make this Libra decision and move along as well. The feeling is of standing on a cliff edge and peering over to see the water below and wondering and wondering if I should just jump in...I even bore myself with these vacilations...I think I should just jump...the water is fine!