On and on and on...endlessly

So, it is obvious to me that I keep talking about the same things, over and over...and with what sounds like some insight...but still no real change. I have always known that I change slowly...no really big AHA's (mostly). I think that I integrate stuff that I think about a little at a time. I feel urges to make change and then somehow I do not do it...and yet I do, only slowly.I think also, that it is easy when you are getting old to start feeling that there is not enough time left to make the effort really count for something. It is easy, until, of course I talk to Hal who is 96 next month and he talks about being sorry that he did not take his Art more seriously 20 years ago..(when he was 76) and get more education in his field so he could use it at his present age...then I just feel silly for feeling old or out of time. This is an interesting age to be. You finally have to admit that you are, by society's standards, elderly. Inside, however, I feel 17 or 27 or 30 or 44 or any age that I bring up. The fact that I no longer leap from rock to rock seems not to be important...so does not skipping;(don't know if I can or not, I'll try it today). I know what I have to do to move it and I still am not ready for whatever reason. The 17 year old wants to play, fall in love, not think much and the 27 year old would like the same thing, but of course with a little more caution..also the 30 and the 44..wants the heart leaping up in my chest with anticipation and excitement...the blush of hope and belief in the great "AT LAST" . I have let my hair down from the tower window and I await the prince who climbs up to save me. I have to laugh at some "prince" in his 70's climbing up to the tower window, huffing and puffing and wearing a t shirt that says "hero". These are the fantasies that distract the real me from digging deep inside and finding the roots of my own genius if you will. My own path, reason for being, purpose on the planet...vision, goal, quest, meaning...hmmmmm really philosophical but it ain't filling the bucket. More later when I figure out not only where but what the bucket is. I can hear the song "Oh where, oh where has my bucket gone, oh where, oh where can it be..? Please look round, 'cause I want it found...Oh, where, oh where can it be???? I think the tune is really about my little dog...but bucket works for me. Now, bucket and shark and seaweed....a lot to think about.