procrastination is the name of the game

No entry since I took that class...damn thing asked me to decide...what a Bitch! Not the teacher, a bitch of a thing for me to have to do. Decide. Almost a swear word. Anyway, I have been flopping around ever since. It is almost a given that I will not be seeking a museum/art career at this time. you notice the almost. Hope flutters always in the breast...a Museum quality Artist and the lover of a fantastic and virile man who adores me and the latest winner of the Mega Millions with more money than I can ever spend and, oh yes, a magic comet passing overhead that gives me the body and looks of a fabulous 25 year old. The ability to dance well would also be nice...as would a 1950 Chevy coupe, perfectly restored. You can keep your diamonds, my needs are much more esoteric. Back to reality and the Tuesday that I am in. I am actually deciding about Children's Furniture design, Dog and Cat furniture design, teaching and just getting a joe job at someplace like Home Depot. Come to think of it I think I like the beginning of this entry better...especially the lover...or the money...lets have it be the money...I think with enough money I can attract a lover, buy myself a museum show and certainly restore a 1950 chevy coupe. The 25 year old body will take a little more creativity...but definitely the money...I can take the dancing lessons later on...with the lover perhaps? Obviously I have not done shit with my Artwork lately..dabbled a bit with my collages..but not so you would notice. I need to settle down and do something real about the furniture ideas. I have pitched my classes around and written lesson plans for most of them so I am just waiting to hear about that right now...also made follow up calls to SMC and Otis and UCLA. I will know in the next few weeks what the spring of 2008 will bring teaching wise. I will log on soon, perhaps with a decision made about the furniture or to report my winnings.

Artsy Fartsy

So, now I have finally taken the Promote yourself as an Artist class and I learned a lot. The most interesting part was at the beginning when she informed us (surprise, surprise) that first we had to define ourselves as Artists and decide what kind of career we were shooting for...ie, Museum Artist, Gallery, craft show, Laguna, etc. That has sort of been my quandry anyway. I have been thinking it over ever since I left the class. I keep getting back to the craftier approach...furniture, dog beds, etc...maybe a canvas here and there with new ideas...but, the idea of creating a body of work with an eye to being in a museum or gallery is truly off-putting to me. I guess I just cannot stand to get in that line and wait to speak to the window person. Stupid, I guess...but when I am pressed to produce work to address a particular audience and it has to be a certain size and say a cohesive thing and all hang together, it makes me feel like not an Artist..makes me feel like I am typing with my paintbrush again...which I got used to as a Faux Finisher...but I hate the idea as a real Artist. Maybe I misunderstood...but I am pretty good at understanding what is said in classes. Also, she seemed to think that my 23 years as a decorative painter were something to hide and not refer to because galleries etc. would tend to look down on it...IF she is right, I cannot stand it. I do not want to be ashamed of the process that I have taken to get where I am today as an Artist...It seems to me that it should be all about the work, and only the work...and I feel myself rebelling from the things that the class taught me. I am sure of her sincerity and also her general knowledge of how the gallery system works. As always, in every occupation I have had, I feel stubborn about not performing for an agenda..I understand the necessity of the performance and how it is used to excel in your field...I just do not want to do it...ever. This may be a stellar trait of mine or a disaster. Still, I do not want to do it...stubborn. I came home and viewed all the work I have been doing with new eyes and based on the class it all may as well go into the trash...not a good feeling. I have to think more on all of this and get some more feedback from other sources but, right now, I feel like just chucking the whole thing and getting a job at Home Depot. Boo"_______"Hoo, as Andrew is fond of saying. I will just go somewhere and sit poutily and think this all over and lunch on worms. Tomorrow is another day.

September, and the year is going, going , going...

It is already Sept 10 and I have been productive, but the time is flying away. I have spent days working on lesson plans for classes, mostly new ones and I submitted them to Otis...Haven't heard back, nor have I heard from SMC which I submitted last month...we'll see. It was a lot of work, but it helped me get my mind around what I think I can really do for students and also for myself in terms of teaching. All I can do is the footwork and then see what comes from it...did the footwork. I have also been working off and on on the books...gluing pages and cutting out windows, etc. I made a nice one for Melly's Birthday and I think she liked it...hope so. I am also working on one for Janet and one about my cousin Gloria for her daughter and granddaughter. I still mean to write some stuff about the past...especially Gloria...I think that the family would like that. I have written a little about the Crows..think about it a lot. Started my Art Furniture class at Otis and I am excited about this class...have a feeling we'll have a good time...the people seem very nice. So, I seem to be productive in a nice steady way and this is a good thing. I have to remember what Ghandi said about the fact that there is more to life than increasing its speed...also Andrew just sent me a quote that competition is for Horse races...since I am many things, but not a horse, I will take that as a mantra for my life at present. More later...I intend to make a piece or two for each class that I am pitching, so that should keep me busy for a while...also, I want to walk more daily and get back to riding my bike...have to be careful not to bite off so much that I cannot bear to chew. More later..no race, no speed...but more.

Where did August go?

Well, August is almost all gone and I have no idea what happened. I did go to Las Vegas and made a wallpaper border for Janet and helped her find colors for her kitchen and bathrooms. I would really have to sit and think, however where the rest of the time went. I have not finished the garage. I am, however working on some altered books and collage, so all is not lost. I know things are changing, but I really do not feel in control and I am sort of doing that seaweed thing again...you know, the thing where I am a piece of seaweed in the surf of life...just being washed up and down by the waves on the beach...not what I want to be doing at this time. I am running out of time to screw around. Running out of time to be flopsy. Well, hell, I guess we'll have to see what September will bring. September? God! how the time does fly when you're pretending to have fun.

omygod, it's August!

Where does the time go? I have been working on the Garage, etc. so I have not posted for a while. I have, however, in addition to the garage, made a decision (finally) about what I am going to do. I have decided to take my teaching much more seriously and to make it the main focus for the aquisition of money to live on. To that end, I have submitted my application to SMC to teach Color mixing and Faux as well as other classes in the future..also called UCLA and I am booked for January there for Mosaic and I will meet in a couple of weeks with the director of Rustic Cyn. Park about teaching there. Also, Don and his guy Richard are coming over tomorrow to give me advice and a bid to fix up the Garage into a working studio space....where I can work and teach privately. It is a good thing to make a decision...so sad that it takes me an eon to finalize my thoughts...but, it does, so there you are. Also, I am taking a class with Joyce about promoting yourself as a fine Artist and I will take my collages and see what's up with that. I really feel full of energy and most hopeful about the future now. For the time being, I will stay in my little house and be creative there...then, when I have both feet into the new "life" I will think about how I want to handle the equity money...I don't need it this minute...and, when I finally access it, I want to handle it properly.
I am also working on my living will and a trust which will leave any property or assets to be equally divided between my children...Melanie and Andrew...Hopefully, I will live so long that I will use everything up. Time will tell. Right now, anyway, I would like to not touch it yet. A whole new phase in my life..one that seems to be generating a lot of energy and a certain level of excitement in me. The house is getting uncluttered little by little. Jeni came with a truck and hauled off a bunch of stuff for a set she was designing. What a blessing! Joyce and I are seriously working on the clutter issue for a workshop/book thing AND I am researching and beginning to take seriously a book about Crows. I love crows and I want to share that with people. So...from a final decision about house and work a whole floodgate of creative energy is flowing forth. This blog is, apparently, still about creativity and how to access it in spite of the fact that I take major trips down side roads in the process. Life is good and I am a happy camper. Onward.

July is over

Well, July is almost over and I have accomplished a few things. I got the living room and kitchen cleaned up..Jeni was doing a movie and she came over and took a lot of crap out of the yard and I gave my extension ladder to my neighbor so the yard is showing promise. I started on the garage because it will fall down without help. Hoping to finish it up by next month (Aug) I finished teaching my class and worked a little on art but didn't complete much. I will promise myself that I will work more on my Art ideas in August...that, and finish up the Garage stuff. I did get the form to make a trust and I have filled it out. I am chipping away with the things on my list that really need to be done...I am a good girl. We'll see what August will bring. I feel hopeful that things are indeed changing.

Monday/breaktime

Well, this is turning into a blog that has to do with clutter as much as creativity. I am thinking a lot about the way I spend my days and what I like and what I want to change. I have tackled the clutter in my living room and am moving into the kitchen. I went to Jan Book's race for Gene yesterday and then met Joyce for lunch. We did a little for her house in Baja and then talked more about clutter. I believe that there is a tendency to live in my imagination more than I live in my real life. I imagine that I WILL be doing things that I never end up doing in reality. I have to buy and keep stuff to do the things that I imagine I will do. BUT...I never really get around to doing most of the stuff I imagine. I do a few things...just enough to keep me believing that I will, in fact do more...so, I have to keep the stuff in order to have it available when I do the projects that I only imagine I will do. This probably does not make sense..but it does to me. Also, I am learning that OCD is a component of the clutter problem and I can see that I do have some very compulsive traits in terms of acquiring things...books are a good example...it is very hard for me to give up a book...I have to do it fast, like taking a bandaid off...if I think about it too long I talk myself into the idea that I will need that book in the future...in case. Also, I am a person who believes that if one is good, I probably need at least 12 more...in case. I think that this problem (maybe disorder) was a bonus in my years taking care of the house and family. If I stocked up on toilet paper or soap or packaged goods that we used and I got a good price, why, I was just being an efficient homeowner. If I bought dress up stuff for the garage for Melly and the girlfriends to play with, why, that was just being a good mom who allowed for creativity and fun. And, my collection of science fiction books and cook books, etc was just to remind me that I have an intellect. etc, etc, etc..I would be the perfect Junk Shop owner...because I could acquire to sell and use my compunction as a money maker. Anyway, these are the thoughts that occupy my mind these last few days and so I have made no Art...but...I think I am on to something and creativity has many forms. I am using my own creative juices right now to solve this real problem. This problem that is based in the real world I live in day to day and not in the world of the imagination where I am a groovy Artist who lives to create. I will now give myself a break.

Nibbling away at it...

So, I spent yesterday organizing all the things for collage that were stacked up under the desk...feel pretty good about that. I also pasted some art work I wanted for inspiration into my notebook. This was a very good thing to do, and I feel that I am making a dent in the dis-organization that plagues me. I also put two coats of paint on an old Barbie doll that I want to re-work...It is odd because there are 3 different materials that make her up...the legs are either rubber or a flexible plastic...took the paint well. The body is a rigid plastic...took the paint only OK. The arms are another type of plastic that did not take the paint at all. The head is the same as the body. I will have to remove the paint I put on and then primer everything first...or, I can coat everything with sizing and gold leaf her and then paint into that. I have more than one of these Barbies to work with so I may just leaf the one I am working on now and know that sanding is not enough for the paint and that I will have to prime first always. It seems that I am nibbling away at the things I want to do. I have also been out to the Garage to get stuff for my class and looked things over. Don has offered to help me clear it up and even offered his guy Richard who can shore up the Garage...we"ll see. I would really like to get it all done and organized again. I also need to get to the furniture that is out there and START PAINTING!!!!!I must stop procrastinating about the furniture. Anyway, I am moving along at my own pace which is probably too slow for everyone else. As Andrew always says "oh well". Eating the elephant, one bite at a time.

A little work

So, I did a little work since last time. I worked on the small square
"F" that I had done for calligraphy and I set all the images and then shadowed and varnished several coats. I also shadowed and detailed another piece that is an angel figure on an eye with a stylized snake and using that same blue tree that I did earlier...also varnished that one. They are done and I am going to begin with my piece about the dancing figures cut out and adhered and then leafed and aged. The figures are drawn and cut out and I just think that I have to beef them up a little so the forms will be defined under the leaf. I will either re cut them or just paint a few coats on the ones I cut to make them thicker. I am also thinking that I need to draw more and maybe not rely so much on the pictures from magazines. The magazine cutting is getting more and more obsessive...my obsessiveness is not a bad thing, it just needs to be more directed toward something that is more Important to me in the long run..ie..something I can show, sell, have as a body of work. I am still confused about all this process. I really do believe in the importance of the process vs the product. The only trouble is that the product lets you eat and pay rent. Too bad. I need a patron or a lotto win. 7/7/07 is coming in two days and I will buy a lotto ticket. It is supposed to be the luckiest day ever. I do love the future, it always holds promise. Makes you want to sing "Tomorrow". I wish I were more like Melly...She just decides to do a new thing and feels no compunction to take 4,000 classes to study it, she just begins to do it. That is a quality that I seem to be lacking...but the past does not mean that you have to keep repeating. Tomorrow IS another day, and I can really just start doing things a different way anytime I decide to. I am, not, after all a piece of seaweed in the surf...even though I like to think in terms of that image. I have a brain and legs and a good strong body. I can do anything that I choose to do. The word is CHOOSE. Tomorrow WILL be another day and the rest of today as well. I am CHOOSING to make a change right now. Done.

By the way

I was looking over the blog and realized it did not update the new medication...I will not take it. I woke up at 3AM on a Sunday and I could not breathe. I had to pull hard to get air in and my heart felt like it was "too full" of blood. Like it was going to pop..This after nausea that lasted for several days...so I will just live with out of rythm, thank you. Some truths are just self-evident.

Well Hell, it's July

It is July...Time keeps flying...Saw SICKO and EVENING over the weekend...both really good movies. AND...I worked on collage this week, or should I say last week. Did something with the "f" I did in calligraphy class that makes me laugh. And I am working on yet another Original Sin thing. I really need to do some less structured pieces. It is getting so that all I look for are hands and apples and, of course girls and women. I never seem to really get the snake in there..or the tree...at least not much..Anyway, I am working, however slowly. Heart is out of rythm today...I wish I knew exactly what the trigger is..oh well. Took money out of my CD for the next three mos. bills so I really need to get it up to make some bucks soon. Seems really stupid for me to be worried about making money when I am sitting on a LOT of equity...but, I am not impressed with reverse mortgages and I do not want a huge monthly nut to take care of..I will figure this out..it is, after all, part of the creative process to work with things like money as well as painting or collage work...or so I tell myself. EVENING is about a woman who is dying and she has flashbacks to her youth...I have been having a lot of memories lately and I am thinking that I need to hie myself to the library and grab a cubicle and just write for a while...it is cool in here and quiet and the cubicles enclose you visually so you can concentrate...also the chairs are not half bad as far as comfort is concerned. This is a really good idea...wonder what I will do with it. It is SO HOT outside...even here at the beach and I hear on the news that it is over 100+ in the valley, etc. Here I am, talking about the weather when I should really be heading home to work on my collage AND to get busy with all the damned furniture in the garage. Who knows how all this will turn out. Not me.

End of June, almost

Well, this is the last week in June..I taught my class on Saturday, went to Olwen's husbands 60th Birthday Party on Saturday Night and on Sunday, went to the NHHS Reunion picnic. They now call themselves "The DAWGS" on the T shirt (for Huskies). Things change. I saw my old friends Janice Chick and Liz Lorimer and their husbands and ate a really bad for you hot dog. Today I washed the car and made calls and came to the library. Nothing too creative, but very busy...I also watered the garden, such as it is. I will, when I get home, create kits for next Saturdays class, because we are doing Stones and it will be easier to teach if the stuff is ready in advance for them...less hauling. I absolutely MUST get all the excess crap out of the car, garage, house and etc. MOST IMPORTANT! I will post again when I have done some ART. I Did bring a cabinet from the kitchen to the living room for the stuff I need to work with so there will be some order around my work table. I could not be more boring if I took pills for it so I will close for now.

Endless Thursdays, not.

Well, this is the last class for my computer education, so I will only have the library from now on. I have been very busy every day because I had to start with a new medication for my heart and it required an EKG every day for 4 days...and then I went to see Hal and then, well, the day was just shot to hell. But, I am going to be able to take this new med which will supposedly keep my heart in sinus rythm, which means I can do stuff without so much worry about throwing myself into fibrulation. Also, I seem to have more energy...the old Medication had the side effect of making me drowsy and depressed and this one seems better...more will be revealed. I am in class for the last Thursday and when I go home, I will work on collage. I really need to get my ass in gear. I keep remembering Daddy Bob's message "Shit or get off the pot"...also, "Spit in one hand and wish in the other one and see which one gets full first". Good advice...but, I still buy lottery tickets and spend my time dreaming. That's OK...I am a really good person, who has worked hard all of my life and kept my nose above the shit line. If that is all I ever do, I think, at this stage, it is enough. The Art is just a bonus. ( It is also a lot of fun) So, now I am working on collage but I am thinking that I really want to and need to write. I have so many stories. When I was visiting with Hal, I spent a lot of time listening to his stories and his life is so interesting (and long). I asked him if he would ever write because I think it would be good to preserve his experiences in another time that will never come again. Then, I started to think that I, also, come from another time that will never come again and that I have had a lot of interesting experiences. Not to mention the fact that I think that I write at least medium well. Andrew is always telling my that my phrases are great...(he has praises for my phrases...oh god). So, Blah Blah Blah...Next entry will be more put together...maybe this new medication is to blame.

At Last!

Well, At Last I am working again! Calligraphy is over, Faux has started and I like all the people and it is JUNE! Whatever the reason, I am now getting productive. I spent 19 hours (7:30AM to 2:30AM) working on my inspiration stuff, putting all the stuff in books, etc. And, I am working on a collage I started a while back. A single arm with hand holding an apple over that xerox of the blue tree I painted with a couple of figures...started out all black and white and grey and I have glazed the hell out of it and ended up with most of the background and the figures buried under layers looking dark and mysterious and the arm and hand and apple I have shadowed and glazed and highlighted and glazed, etc. until they look old and interesting. I am really rather pleased with the result. It kind of looked garrish and tacky when I began, but with enough glazing, all things start looking good in the end. I do not want to be stuck forever in the original sin mode, so I will think on that as I approach the next piece...any kind of box is, after all, a box. My heart has been out of rythm a lot and I am trying new medication and I must be wary to notice if it is making me depressed or unhappy or sapping too much of my energy. I like being on a roll and I don't want to lose momentum as I go. It is all up to me whether or not I remain productive and working or slip back into the fog. I think you have to kiss a lot of fogs to get to the promised land...the promised land, of course, being a state of creative bliss. It does not really matter if I make sense or not, I think...I make sense to myself and that is the key. So, I look forward to the next few weeks and making ART...AT LAST!

Thursday again

I am here in my computer class, so I have some time. May is almost over, Thank God. I think that May is always a hard Month for me. My Father died in May in 1937. And, in May of 1976 My Mother died, my Dog Prince died and I lost a baby at 5 Months pregnant. I don't really think about it, but I notice that May is a hard month for me and then I remember the things that happened in that month. So, anyway, Thank God that June is here at last. I have spent today working on the stuff that I will need in order to teach my class at Otis. Kind of like swimming through Peanut Butter...but, I did make some progress...and, I got to my computer class where I am blogging on. This isn't much to do with creativity, except that creativity takes energy and mine is quite low right now. I also think that the creative process needs stimulation..good or bad...and inspiration..good or bad...and persperation..good or bad. I am missing mostly persperation. The Peanut Butter thing, you know. The good news is that the ennui will not last forever...it will last as long as it lasts and then I will feel energized and motivated again. It has always been that way and I believe that it will always continue to be. Even as I type, I am (sort of) looking forward to teaching my class and sitting at my drafting table and working on collages and drawings. I think that I will take a tack from Andrew and do some dailies. I have to decide today, because June starts tomorrow and I do love to be neat as I go. Tomorrow is my calligraphy class and it will also be a celebration of Don's Birthday. I will go this evening to Smart and Final and buy a cake for his Birthday as a surprise. He is always doing things for others and not expecting to have anything done for him so I think it will be nice to surprise him. Hurray for June...welcome...let us see if it makes a difference.

Tired Tuesday

So, just coming off the Holiday weekend. My friend, Hal, who is 96 broke his hip and I went to see him yesterday and today and it is also my friend Don's Birthday (Hal's son). I tried to really listen to Hal and what he is thinking because I believe he has a lot of wisdom to offer me about life. He is doing remarkably well for a man his age with a serious injury like a broken hip. It makes me think about all the time that I have been given that I just waste. Mostly with my blah blah and my ennui and my flopping around. This is really the time of my life when I must make some decisions about what the quality of life is that I am seeking. Barnum said that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time and I have to remember that I am the people. I am sorting books again and not working...what else is new? I find myself and my angst and etc. discouraging. I am hoping that Wednesday will be a better day. Now, quoting Scarlet, "Tomorrow is another day...I'll think about that tomorrow...If I think about it today I'll go crazy"...well, not exactly crazy, but kind of spinning my wheels plopping...which may be worse. This is all of this kind of crap that I can stand, so I will go home and dutifully sort books. I am a good person, just screwed up. Oh my.

new stuff

Well, I am somewhat excited about a new way to work with Gilding. There was a Demonstration in my Calligraphy class last Friday. She was working with Patent Gold, which is 22 or 23 Karat and pre-attached to a small square of waxed paper. She simply put crayon on the places she wanted to leaf and then applied the patent gold on top. She burnished it with a piece of Mylar and a Bone Folder to weld it to the surface. The leaf was flawless! So, my question was "will it work with composition leaf?" She didn't know. So, I did some experimenting with scraps of Aluminum leaf (which is the thickest) and got OK to great adherence depending on a few factors. The leaf which was scrappy tended to not attach here and there even with other applications. The bigger and more solid pieces attached perfectly in some cases. You really need to scrub the crayon on. Then, the leaf detached very easily from the crayon. Which is a plus and a minus. The plus is that it allows you to draw into the leafed surface, write words, etc. The minus is that you need to use a sealer to keep it on without scratching and that may dull the sheen of the leaf. The burnishing with Mylar gave me a much more luminous, shiney and smooth surface than I have been able to achieve with this kind of leaf in the past. I also, while I was at it, put some leaf on wet acrylic paint (not too wet) and I got adherance, smoothness, sheen, and permanence. I could incise the surface and create a pattern but it did not de-laminate. All attempts were good-looking and the colored crayon showing through the scrappy ones could really add to the design instead of taking something away.. Anyway, It was an exciting few hours well-spent and it makes me wonder what else I do that I am so used to doing that it doesn't even occur to me to try something another way. These life lessons keep coming at you whether you are looking or not, whether you are wanting them or not. I think of Hide and Seek where you are covering your eyes and counting and then finally yell "Here I come, ready or not". The idea is "IT" and hopefully I am not hiding very well so the idea can find me easily. Olly Olly Oxen Free Free Free....

Rested up

I have done a lot this week, maybe not too much due to art, but a lot. Taking care of all the little shit that eats up your life and your time. I did some painting on little chatchki fridge magnets and I actually did a job for an old client matching a finish that was damaged when a pipe burst in her wall. She also wants me to do something with a mirror that is too large...I think that I can stencil the edges or etch the glass with a pattern, either one would improve the situation. I also got a call from another old client to help her design a mural and an invitation to her party next week...nice. Went to Naylor Paints open house and I won a $50 gift certificate to Cafe 26. VERY cool! I love it there. I may take Larry to lunch. Tomorrow is calligraphy again and ,of course, I did no homework. I have mostly been sleeping a lot and puttering around and seeing clients. I have two cool ideas for my life in the future...using what I already know how to do, but, veering away from the actual physical painting of stuff. I think I will expand my Color Consulting and I talked to Larry about getting a set of the BIG color cards from ICI..They are 8 1/2 x 11...a nice size to see what you are doing. I will still get quarts and do my poster board samples but the big sheets will help pare down the choices. Besides, they look more professional. I am also designing some add-ons for rooms that will be easy for home-owners to put up...almost like wallpaper borders are. I have to do some real homework about adhesives, etc. Andrew's T shirts are an inspiration to proceed one step at a time. I WILL have made some ART at the next posting. I have to realize that this is part of the way I work. I am prolific and then I rest...over and over in my life that has been a pattern. I really need to begin to accept myself as I am. A lily of the field? well, no, but OK as I am anyway. Me, Carole, OK. Get it?

a week without sleep

So, still did not make any ART worth talking about, but I did go to Calligraphy class and I will also go tomorrow...so I do some work there...(very little) I also met Kirstin today at her friends open studio..a collage artist named Marina (not Day) and was quite impressed by the amount of work she had turned out. It was a LOT! I took my few little collages along to show to Kirstin and I also showed them to Marina. I think that if I am going to try to be serious about fine art I better move it and mark it. Always reminded of Daddy Bob who said "Spit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one gets full first" He also said "Shit or get off the pot". Gaudi talked about returning to the source and the influence of childhood things. So, I should probably be really clear that you need to work. I believe in work, I believe that inspirtation comes while you work, not while you wait. I want to work..WHY DON'T I WORK? I keep getting sidetracked by other things in my life. This week, I have been involved with caring for Jacob (hence the title)and so that is my excuse this week. Next week I will surely find something to distract me from what I really want...just to make Art. What the hell is going on with me? This is a real conundrum.(spelling?) I know I am not alone with this stuff and that is little or no comfort. My space is not adequate or the best, but what I know in my heart is that if I want to make Art I can do it in a public restroom, or under a bridge...and, certainly, when I own the house and the big back yard and the garage I should be able to figure it out. I really don't want to beat up on myself, I am truly stumped. It is almost as though I were two people...one that wants me to be an Artist in every sense of the word and one that thinks it is a waste of time, after all and that what I should be doing is housework, grandma stuff and Joe Job stuff. Waaah Waaah Waaah and Boo F-----G Hoo. Enough! Next blog entry might be, should be better...all better. (I will, at least, have had more sleep)

Jake's Birthday

So, today I made no Art...it is Jake's Birthday and I got to Melanie's house at 8AM to begin the Birthday Day. I gave Jake a new setup of Playdough (quiet play) and he liked it...also sang HB to him. Fed him soft pasta with butter and cheese and also made him scrambled eggs...he couldn't eat the eggs because his throat is still bothering him from the tonsilectomy. He made it to school but had to leave with me because he ran out of gas and I returned with him later on for his party at school. That went well. As the party wound down, one of the Mom's who does Photo shoots brought a truck full of wheelbarrows and we gave the kids rides in them...GREAT...Blue, red and yellow wheelbarrows...a dozen or more. The school only wanted to keep one so the parents there got to take them home. Jake wanted a red one and I got a yellow one and I somehow struggled the two of them into my car and dropped his off at home, went back for Melly and Liz and the party stuff...went to Melly's so he could open his gifts from the kids at school...what a haul! I just left and came to the library on my way home. It was about 5:20 when I got here...a long and fruitful day and I am tired. I do have something to show for the day..a bright, yellow wheelbarrow! I will go home and unload it and enjoy the color and the newness of it...sturdy conveyance. So, that is my Art for the day...doing my bit and enjoying the colors and shapes of the wheelbarrows...I will think about creating tomorrow...after all, tomorrow is another day...heh heh...

MY NEW WEB SITE

Andrew informed me I had a surprise and Boy was it one! He set up a website for me with my own name www.carolefree.com..WOW! I have no idea right now how I will use it, but it feels like a very big deal to me. Up until now, I have just been dinking along sort of letting my brain spill out onto the blog without much thought or editing. Now, however, I am thinking that this whole website thing is very grown-up and I can use it (how?) to do whatever I want to do. I am both sorry and glad that I took so long to try to learn anything about computers. Glad because I needed the time and energy for other things and sorry I didn't learn sooner so I would know more now. Anyway, my adventures with computer stuff and my adventures with my own art and creativity are cooking along and becoming blended together into a nice Carole Sauce which I happily pour onto anything and anyone who holds still for a minute. I am a happy Carole...Thanks Andrew.

Just drawing like I know what I'm doing

So, I was up until 2:30 AM working on letters for calligraphy class. Just decided to go for it. I first tore pages from a paperback novel in japanese, using the calligraphy as vertical lines..odd and random tearings laid in linear fashion for the background, some of them upside down so the lines would be consistent. I bought YES paste..and I like it a lot..did not seem to wrinkle and the edges were easily fastened down. Sometimes torn edges are a problem. Anyway, when it was dry I sanded and glazed the whole thing. I chose to do a "C" for China (even thought the type is Japanese) and also for Carole, because I was born in China. I tried to find a C in my books that had a form that looked good with the Calligraphy I had pasted. Found a Baroque C that I altered so the forms worked. Drawing my own version, I drew it onto the collaged background, filled it with black and gold and then, drew a vine shape with several leaves and pods and flowers that serpentined through and around the letter. Painted it all in with black and then overpainted with tan, beige and fawn colors...very monochromatic, but a lot of contrast. Also, looking old and worn. I especially like that I left the bottom edge ragged and hanging over. The idea for the vine with Pods, etc. came from a book of japanese design that I had. Now, it was very tempting to just make a decal of this page and overlay it on the letter, but remembering the dissatisfaction I had with the last piece informed me that I must draw and draw and draw instead of copying. I now have learned two things. One, that you have to work to learn stuff and two that you have to work often enough to remember what you learned from one. This should allow me to proceed and even, perhaps, learn something interesting while I am still here. Ya think?
I also made a second letter on a silver (aluminum) leaf ground. An "F" with curly vines made from random spirals and having leaves added and painted in. This looks OK but is less than wonderful..after all it was after midnight when I began it and I was determined to finish before I went to bed (2:30 AM remember). So maybe I have learned a third thing...It will be frustrating if you begin a project when you are too tired to give it everything. I will probably forget number three and do it again...that's just the way I am. I now go off to make more ART...YaY!

working, working,working...

So, I finished the decal (rushed it) and it didn't look good on the metallic surface, so I just put it on a white canvas...also, because I rushed it, it was blurry and hard to read...it sort of stayed cloudy because the applications were too thick...or maybe the Gel medium I used is bogus, it is a new brand from Dick Blick...I'll learn more about that in the future. Anyway, I hand painted into the image on the canvas and it was really a struggle. I began to think that the whole decal thing is not so interesting when I can really draw and paint anyway. I think it would have been easier to put a drawing down and then just paint on that...something about the blurry nature of the decal was not as satisfying as it might have been. It lacked a certain crispness that I have come to like in my work. I was mildly satisfied with the final result, but I will just draw and paint next time and compare the two experiences...always learning, but only while I am working...that is the key, working, working, working...dig?

many things to think about

Today, Monday, I rose at 4:00AM to get to the Hospital because Jake's tonsils are being removed this morning. It went well, He is a little trooper...He hated the shot in the butt, I think it offended him as much as hurt...then he was really out of it, but still awake and carried right into surgery..He woke up in recovery and I could hear him crying and Melly and Albhy went in with him and I saw him later when he came out of recovery...He bravely ate two popsicles so he could go home...(that or a glass of water) and then he fell asleep at home.
Yesterday I took him to the zoo to see the birds...we got there after the bird show started but he got to see a lot of it. Then we waited around for the next show but it was cancelled because it began to drizzle...so we just rode the tram and Jake got to engineer (front seat) the elephant train at the zoo. A nice day (Sunday)
On Saturday Don took me to the brewery where they were having an Art Walk. I saw a lot of ok stuff, but also some really inspiring things. One collage Artist in particular...I wanted to buy one of her pieces but I got over it...too expensive and where in hell would I put it?...I came home all inspired, though, and I dug into my stack of unfinished work and found something I had been working on and forgot I even had done it. I decided to turn the black and white image I had pulled as a proof into a decal which I will apply over silver or gold leaf and then paint into. I put a couple of coats of gel medium on it and it is cooking along while I did the zoo and the Hospital...It feels good to be working again...why do I go away from it? a mystery. Anyway, I need to go see Jake right now and I will post again about the Art to come...

On and on and on...endlessly

So, it is obvious to me that I keep talking about the same things, over and over...and with what sounds like some insight...but still no real change. I have always known that I change slowly...no really big AHA's (mostly). I think that I integrate stuff that I think about a little at a time. I feel urges to make change and then somehow I do not do it...and yet I do, only slowly.I think also, that it is easy when you are getting old to start feeling that there is not enough time left to make the effort really count for something. It is easy, until, of course I talk to Hal who is 96 next month and he talks about being sorry that he did not take his Art more seriously 20 years ago..(when he was 76) and get more education in his field so he could use it at his present age...then I just feel silly for feeling old or out of time. This is an interesting age to be. You finally have to admit that you are, by society's standards, elderly. Inside, however, I feel 17 or 27 or 30 or 44 or any age that I bring up. The fact that I no longer leap from rock to rock seems not to be important...so does not skipping;(don't know if I can or not, I'll try it today). I know what I have to do to move it and I still am not ready for whatever reason. The 17 year old wants to play, fall in love, not think much and the 27 year old would like the same thing, but of course with a little more caution..also the 30 and the 44..wants the heart leaping up in my chest with anticipation and excitement...the blush of hope and belief in the great "AT LAST" . I have let my hair down from the tower window and I await the prince who climbs up to save me. I have to laugh at some "prince" in his 70's climbing up to the tower window, huffing and puffing and wearing a t shirt that says "hero". These are the fantasies that distract the real me from digging deep inside and finding the roots of my own genius if you will. My own path, reason for being, purpose on the planet...vision, goal, quest, meaning...hmmmmm really philosophical but it ain't filling the bucket. More later when I figure out not only where but what the bucket is. I can hear the song "Oh where, oh where has my bucket gone, oh where, oh where can it be..? Please look round, 'cause I want it found...Oh, where, oh where can it be???? I think the tune is really about my little dog...but bucket works for me. Now, bucket and shark and seaweed....a lot to think about.

The day after the flower painting class

So, I went to the flower painting class yesterday with Don and I enjoyed it. I did OK with my brush strokes, just OK. I have taken some classes in the past (way) that had similar strokes to work with...but, of course I never practiced so I had to learn the muscle memory all over again...I have trouble making the mirror image by turning the brush the other way...I would get it if I practiced, but that seems to always be my downfall in everything. I am always procrastinating the practice, the exercise, the little stuff you need to do on a daily basis to accomplish anything. I can feel my stubborn little self with jaw set just not doing it. This is a problem. Maybe by acknowledging it I will solve it for myself. Now, here in the library, some asshole is humming tunelessly..This is the kind of thing that causes me a great deal of irritation. A kid is also screaming, but that does not annoy me because it is expected. What one expects of an adult is that they know enough to not hum out loud in the library...You see, any excuse to not address the real problem. The real problem being that I do not do the small steps that are required to really accomplish a goal. I just would not do my vocal exercises (mostly) when I sang..and yet, I sang pretty well. I never pushed my drawing to the edge by practising, and yet, I draw pretty well. Same with painting, Acting, dancing, etc. I am even an OK cook...just OK. I really need to look at this...who knew that this would come up..I just meant to enter my thoughts about the class (which was OK)...OK,OK.OK...is this all I want? Maybe. and it has to be alright if I choose just OK. I just want to make sure that I AM choosing, not just staying a piece of seaweed in the surf of life. I once saw a big wave (from the shore) with the sun shining through the water and in the wave swam a small shark (a silhouette of a shark shape) and it swam madly in the wave.. never stopped swimming..not like the seaweed which remains helpless to the whim of the ocean..eventually being dumped on the sand to be attacked by flies. The shark survived the crash of the wave and swam off to another adventure. Am I the shark or the seaweed? I'll keep you posted.

And so I continue

I have done nothing about the Cow or any other project...flopping madly...BUT! Tomorrow I am taking a flower-painting class with Don and I am excited about learning. I watched the Brick Awards show on TV and I am inspired to do SOMETHING that has some meaning...I wonder if I will ever get it up to do something like that or if I will just endlessly THINK about it. My grammar school report card said that"Carole is a dreamer who spends most of her time looking out the window"...I was really BEING out the window, not just looking...Being somewhere else, doing something else. Now, I am 71 years old..actually 71 1/2 this April (which it is)...of course, not to be too hard on myself, I have actually made some dreams come true. There have always been challenges that I managed to take care of...some ideas that I actually saw through to the end. I seem to do the best when I have my ass against the wall...not too comfortable, but effective. I need to make decisions about my current situation. I need to be firm in what I want to do next and not so flopsy. Maybe tomorrow...tomorrow IS another day. (Me and Scarlet). So, enough ruminating about what may or may not be...I have only 10 minutes left here at the library so I will close for now...more will be revealed!

The poor old cow is wrecked

Well, I proceeded to just dive into the illumination of the letter "C" with the cow in it and the poem "I never saw a purple cow, I never hope to see one, but I can tell you anyhow, I'd rather see than be one" So, first of all, the lettering sucked, too big and too dark, even though I laid it out first on tracing paper and did an overlay. My mistake was in using the brush lettering I am learning instead of a fine point pen...too fat. So, I went over it in a lighter color which helped, but then, of course I went over it and over it until it got nice and messy. I am working with gouache, so it reconstitutes after it dries and makes it impossible to work on top of work neatly...so...I sprayed it with Krylon..The first couple of layers worked OK and looked OK...but, of course, I kept on screwing around with it endlessly until it was totally screwed and looking like a plastic thing with bleeding letters and vines, etc. The last layer of Krylon did it. I had meticulously painted lines, leaves, etc...(took hours) and then the last shot of krylon dissolved all the work I had done...it was just gone..leaving behind a little mess of color here and there...also, all the gold work that took at least an hour is now looking like a dull yellow dot...kind of disappointing but a GREAT lesson. I am not sure exactly what the lesson is...but I do know that it involves Krylon. Anyway, I will continue to try to work on letters...I don't know if I am up for the "C" and the cow right now...maybe...sans Krylon..sans fat brush...maybe sans poem. Sans something, anyway...I am down, but not out...OK I will keep this posting going as I work this out...Next time will be better.

Hey, hey, all the way

So, now it is Thursday, and I just returned from the post office, where I mailed packages to Janet, Penny and the Sqrl and Bee. I had filled some eggs with chocolate for Easter and I wanted to give them to the people at the Post office that I mostly deal with. I think they were pleased..I know I was. Sometimes something very simple to do gives me a lot of pleasure when I do it. I spent the morning going through things and throwing stuff out. I will spend time today boxing books, etc to donate or sell at the book store and, of course, I will do something for my HOMEWORK...still an issue. Although, yesterday A.M. I made myself late for a Docs Appt because I was changing the layout of the lettering to go with the letter "c". I realize now that I am just at a standstill about it because I am having trouble fitting the whole poem on the paper that is left after putting in the image. I guess I really need to work on larger paper, not especially work bigger, just work on a larger surface so I have lots of room to innovate once I have completed the image. Lesson (I hope) learned. It seems a little insane to be working so hard both emotionally and creatively and spending so much time on projects that are almost guaranteed to bring in nothing in the way of revenue. But, I have to say that it is such a pleasure to do it...AND...I find in myself a drive to do the work that I cannot access when I am doing other things...When I was little, I used to check books out from the library and do projects at home...teaching myself how to make flour paste, cutting up milk cartons, etc. I made a bug village with little beds made from matchboxes, cartons for houses, etc. Such a pleasure...I don't remember what happened to it, but that is not important. I DO remember building it and the pleasure still comes upon me when I think about it. It was a wonderful time I had, making that...I can almost feel the warm sun on my skin as I write this and the warmth of the cement back porch I sat on while I built it. These things are good. I am always telling students that the process is more important than the product..and I really do believe that is true. All the same, at the present, I am interested as much in the product (the C and the Cow) as the process. So maybe I answered my own question. That the reason I am "stuck" is because I have made the product more important that the process. I need to feel the sun on my back and the warmth of the cement I sit on and just finish the frigging cow. Perfection can come later..Today I build my version of a bug village...This blog IS helpful...Thank you, Andrew.

on to "c"

So, in my calligraphy class I am now working on the letter "c" . Very hard for me to do the "homework" Maybe that is part of my screw you attitude or maybe just laziness...but...I seem to procrastinate every time I HAVE to do something. When I don't HAVE to, I will work until 5:oo AM. Go figure. Anyway, I WILL work in class, so now I am working on the letter "c" and it is a simple letter which contains a Cow. The cow is from a magazine and I traced it and made it a little cartoonier. The cow has its head up and is obviously "singing". I think the style is a little Mary Engelbright and a little l930's illustration style. Anyway, the cow will be purple and lavender, and I am lettering the Poem, "The purple cow" around the edges. I would really love to do the whole alphabet in "my" style..we will have to wait and see if I can get it up 26 times and complete my thought process until the end...please, "screw you carole" take a rest and let "carole who loves to make art" have a chance. Okay? Other than that, I trudge along...doing something every day that I must do, like taxes and bills and clients and etc. Only 5 Minutes left, here at the library, so that is all...just wanted to keep recording my process for myself and anyone who is interested.

So now it's Thursday

So, all the stuff that took place on Tuesday must have worked, because I was up until 1:30 AM working on an illumination of the letter "B"..went to bed then up at 5:00AM working on it again...Hours and Hours of work and I realize that it is ever so slightly crooked...Funnily enough, that is really OK and I did what I could to correct the angles so it would not be noticed as much...but, it is most definately crooked. When I did the layout, I was thinking that this was just a practice piece and I wasn't particularly careful about the correctness of the whole thing...So, lesson (I hope) learned...I know this from painting...that if the beginning is rushed or carelessly treated, then the final result may suffer for it. Creativity does not mean wadding things up and mashing them around..that is not the risk-taking I am looking for...I am willing to chance screwing a piece up by trying something new, but sloppiness is just not where I am at with the whole thing. There is a fine line between perfectionism as a bad thing and trying my best to do something as well as I can. I think, this time, that I may remember that..hope so. Anyway, I like the "B" a lot, crooked or not and I had an idea this morning about doing the whole alphabet to create an ABC book. As Gaudi said, we return to the source...I used to make ABC books with scrap paper, glue and magazine cutouts when I was a child..I have always liked them.. I have also always liked quotes. I have a lot of them taped to the door jamb and (somewhere) a book or two filled to the brim with quotes I have collected over the years. It seems to me that the Calligraphy and the illumination may prompt me to do more with these things...the evolving of the act of creation is fascinating to me...and, I only have one subject to study it...Me. I think that this is important for me to remember...That whatever I am doing is OK...because I injure no one and I feel great pleasure in my own activities. It has only taken me 71 years to realize this...not bad, really, some people die before they get this. A contented day, this Thursday. Thanks.

Another Tuesday

So, it's another Tuesday...I am, of course at the Library and considering many things. I am focused on Creativity..I am surrounded by it...as I pull my feet, one by one from the Mire of my Ennui. Konosuke' comes today so my body will be creatively inspired. I have been reading and looking a lot lately so my mind is stimulated to respond. I am spending more time in contemplation and thoughtfulness and mindfulness so my spirit is rising up within me and I feel hopeful that the changes that are occuring are for my best self to be nurtured. It has taken so very long for me to get here...not that I know what here is...I need a map with the little arrow that says YOU ARE HERE. It seems that I have so many decisions to make that I am overwhelmed. In reality, there is only one decision to make...that I truly want to proceed into my future with new ideas, aspirations, goals and vigor. That I am willing to let the decisions of my past fall to the side and with excitement embrace the all new, creative and inspiring future..the future that awaits ME...I wrote once, long ago about the ME-ness of ME. That is the decision to make...may I make it soon. I know that once something is set (more or less) that the trip is easier...Here is to "The SET" and the trip...Whew!

This is Thursday...and

This is Thursday, and I have not done my homework...sigh. My class is tomorrow morning and I hate that I leave things to the last minute...I think it short changes my creativity. I think that always being under the gun gives me an excuse if I don't like what I come up with, or if what I am doing is just short of good. I want to think about this because at age 71 it might behoove me to knock that off. It is obviously not getting me what I want, or think I want. I think that when I started this blog about my own creative process (and other stuff I think about) I was working at my own pace on what I wanted to do, so the procrastination viper did not raise its ugly head. I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it. BUT! I do not know how to letter beautifully and I do want to learn and I KNOW that the only way to master the tools is to practice and DO THE HOMEWORK! Still, I do put it off to tomorrow...not working, Carole, not working. I still have time tonight, but I have a computer class this afternoon which I really want to go to, so I can LEARN! And, Bret Lyon is coming in to town so I will be meeting with him and his new girlfriend sort of after dinnertime. I also have all day on Saturday to catch up. See how my mind works? I go away now to think about these issues...I hope to find out how I can really work sometime before I die and it is moot. Now that I ask myself the questions, perhaps I will worry out the answer. I could really use some Lottery winnings at this time in my life if anyone with power is listening.

On and On

Well, I've been gone for a while. Not gone, just not able to get to the library to post on this blog. Heard from Andrew and Melissa..they're in No. Carolina and moving to Pennsylvania soon. They picked up a deermouse in Arizona..it is loose in the truck and they can't find it..so Andrew is feeding it and leaving water. They are worried that it won't survive if it leaves the truck back East, so they intend to catch it and make a pet of it so it can live. More adventures will be posted. I am taking a Calligraphy class at Emeritus and she is a GREAT teacher! I have already learned a lot and only 2 classes into it. I did the last exercise which is blending pencil in a letter to give it dimension and mine was really good...shown to the class as an example. I am shameless in taking pride in being "good" and singled out for praise. I really am a child in a lot of ways. Maybe everyone is like that, I don't know. I am struggling with the idea of relocating and the attendant clearing out that must precede it. I do pretty well for a few hours and then I poop out. I need direction. Hmmmmm...I wonder who I can get to monitor me kindly...I will think about this. Anyway, I am working on two things...de-cluttering - deleting and my creative self...they are intertwined, I think. I need space to make new things happen. That's the deal..I need to delete in order to create anew. I will think about this and see if I can be self-monitoring and get the job done. Being the Lone Ranger is hard sometimes...it has benefits, but it is hard. Anyway, I am working a lot on the clutter issue. So this is still about creativity..just focusing more on a possible block to it. We'll see.

AT school

So, today I am at school in my computer class. Andrew and Melissa left this morning for parts East and I will miss them a lot. We got to spend time together at the Library on Monday and Tuesday nite at Melly's and went to the Farmers Mkt on Wednesday and then hung out for a bit at my house. It was wonderful to see them both. So far I have done nothing with my Art since the last post, but as Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day"...I'll think about that tomorrow. Saw Curtis' Mom today and took a walk..she lost her rings (50+ years worth) and I said a prayer that she will somehow get them back. I am also sending out wishes to Dorothea that her illness will not be prolonged and painful and that she will be treated with dignity and love. This blog is supposed to be about creativity, but I guess not only...after all, my life is many things, not just my creative self, although that is the part I most enjoy. Andrew and Melissa saw my collages and commented, so that was gratifying to me. I guess I really want to be known, one way or another...so I close today because I have had my say and after all, I am in school....

Happy Monday

So, today is a happy day and it is Monday...Andrew & Melissa came down from Simi and spent the day with me...Love seeing them...I am here in the library with them right now and I'm writing in my blog on Andrew's computer which he brought with him. Very fancy...I have done not much on my collages this last week and I did not go to my Art class last Monday or this one so I guess I really just need to do my own work...Andrew said I should keep working on my collages and I think he is right. I seem, for better or worse, to be drawn to the cutting of paper and the gluing of paper and the looking for images to cut out and etc. I am happy making stories with the images I am able to find. Anyway, this is short because I have better things to do with the time...mainly spending it with my son and his wife...Yep.

It's raining

Today I feel quiet and it is raining off and on..I, of course, am at the Library. I attended a workshop on Clutterology...the same lady with one leg that I took a class on giving seminars with at Culver City some time ago..Nancy Miller...she has books and CD's to sell at $20 each..BORS (back of room sales) She gave a good talk for l hour and I thought to myself that it is a pretty good gig ... the room was full and so she probably made a few hundred dollars for the talk...at least more than $l00 Not bad for an hour and probably a couple of weeks preparation before to produce the book and CD, etc...maybe a Month. I learned that I already know how to de clutter and that there are a lot of people with the problem who seek help...Most of whom are smart enough to know that they already know what to do...only they don't..like I don't...what was most amusing was the number of people who left the lecture and headed straight for the used books for sale..is this an oxymoron? It is some kind of Moron for sure. I know, for I was there. I will go home soon and put some more stuff in bags to donate and I will mull over all this stuff in my head and in my Living room, kitchen and "junk room" ... All rooms are "Junk rooms" in my world...My world is changing..I am changing..and today I feel quiet and it is raining.

It's raining

Today I feel quiet and it is raining off and on..I, of course, am at the Library. I attended a workshop on Clutterology...the same lady with one leg that I took a class on giving seminars with at Culver City some time ago..Nancy Miller...she has books and CD's to sell at $20 each..BORS (back of room sales) She gave a good talk for l hour and I thought to myself that it is a pretty good gig ... the room was full and so she probably made a few hundred dollars for the talk...at least more than $l00 Not bad for an hour and probably a couple of weeks preparation before to produce the book and CD, etc...maybe a Month. I learned that I already know how to de clutter and that there are a lot of people with the problem who seek help...Most of whom are smart enough to know that they already know what to do...only they don't..like I don't...what was most amusing was the number of people who left the lecture and headed straight for the used books for sale..is this an oxymoron? It is some kind of Moron for sure. I know, for I was there. I will go home soon and put some more stuff in bags to donate and I will mull over all this stuff in my head and in my Living room, kitchen and "junk room" ... All rooms are "Junk rooms" in my world...My world is changing..I am changing..and today I feel quiet and it is raining.

So...the class at the Getty was the BEST! So Good! Egg Tempera, here I come! The cement pigments made no difference at all to Don's piece, so that was a bonus. We worked on top of the green face with several values of a dusky pink color made 4 or 5 steps to white. The work done with tiny cross-hatch strokes on top of each other. The darkest pink went first on the cheeks, nose, forehead, etc. for the dark tone which was then obliterated by more and more layers of succeedingly lighter layers. Mine is a little light, I think, but the overall effect is of SKIN. With the slight blush of color on cheeks, etc, glowing from underneath. I told the teacher about Beer glazes because she had never heard of or used them. She was interested. Anyway, I love the effect that I got with the Egg Tempera, and it was a wonderful day. I had fun and felt satisfied with what I accomplished. I will use the materials and technique in the future, I am sure. On Monday I attended the class that I did the blue tree in and we worked in black and white only with cut outs, chalk and paint. I was not as thrilled with the result I got, but I do feel stimulated to do more with black and white, only I like working in the Collage medium with it instead. Taking classes is stimulating me to do more work of my own, so that is a good thing...also, getting rid of Directv is helping even though I still watch the basic channels there is less of interest on so I get up and work...I am also, little by little divesting myself of excess stuff, especially books...we'll see...hope springs eternal in the human breast...Pandora wasn't all bad............

Now what...

So, today I am helping with Jake because Melly is sick...I spent the night...so No work on the Art for the last couple of days. I am, however taking a class at the Getty in Egg Tempera...also known around town as Egg Tempura...haha...and I went with Don to buy Artist Grade dry pigments and I gave him a catch up class in the first stage of the Icon painting we are working on. He had to miss the first class to do a family thing. I had to improvise about the green and use my cement pigments so we'll see if it makes a difference in the long run. Also, I sent for the color chart from Kesler? re: the historic and earth colors. I'm not sure it will be important to me to work with authentic stuff or if I will care more about final result of surface. I do love the surface. I like a lot the idea of Egg Tempera...the workability and the eventual permanence. It dries immediately but is water soluble for about 2 weeks until the yolk evaporates and hardens. Tiny strokes put together like pointelism side by side ...hatching and cross hatching. I have always liked that..I've worked in ink a lot and love building up darks with cross hatching, etc. I think that this Egg paint and ink may keep my interest for a long time. I really just want the freedom, financial and obligation - wise to work at my own pace with no pressure to produce and have the joy and wonder of discovery...to let my mind follow the threads that come up instead of snipping them off so I can take care of obligations real or imagined. I need a benevolent keeper. Maybe that's me. Can't wait to get back to work...Original Sin is calling.

Keep working

So, Ive been working on more collages. I worked out the black and white one and used the xerox again on a second black and white and now I'm distilling the second black and white even further. The first one uses the blue tree in black and white and a arm and apple and a couple of figures...Original sin...and the second plus ones use the tree with a mystical lady and a snake...one will have a butterfly and another will be a small square with just the lady and the snake..and maybe some more with some of the same imagery. I still haven't put any color in but I will. I did use a pencil to beef up some of the black parts and then xerox again. Lots of cutting and looking and thinking. I also copied the blue tree in color and cut it out so that will be another part of the series. The blue tree feels symbolic. Of what, I can't say , but symbols don't always have to be explained in full. In fact, I am in charge of the whole works and I am saying that I do not have to define the symbol and that in spite of no definition that it is, in fact, a symbol. I cancelled my Directv so that I will not be seduced by all the choices..we'll see if it works. I am serious about living the choices and invoices that I actually believe in. It is really hard, however, to be disciplined and correct in behavior according to what I believe when there is no one to applaud my effort. Hard to be alone and keep myself motivated and happening. Hard to live without the ATTAGIRL that I wish for. Somehow, an ATTAGIRL from yourself is less exciting. Anyway, I am still working on my ART. Better late than never. With or without applause. I am working!

Here we go...

So...I am feeling pretty good. I took the blue tree that I did in the art class and put it in the printer and made copies...the copies deleted part of it because it is bigger than the screen. Anyway, I glued the xerox (black & white) onto a canvas and then I fooled around with some of the stuff I have cut out...found a few things that worked and copied them, cut them out and put them on the xerox of the tree in collage form. I like the monochromatic look of it. It was 2:00 AM by the time I finished that part. This morning @ 6:30AM I put a coat of varnish on it and also a last coat of varnish on my last collage. Now it's protected and I can paint into it. I may not get to it today because of errands and bids...stuff. I feel that I am really feeling my way into this piece...it became, of course, about Original Sin because after all, when you're working with a tree---the next thing that comes to you is an apple and once the apple is there, well, it's just original sin all over again. Probably wasn't even an apple in Eden..maybe it was an orange or a kiwi or a cherry or whatever. Anyway, the apple thing is stuck in my head and at this age.....So, I am excited about painting into these images and also a little scared it will wreck it because I DO like the black and white...maybe I'll make 2. Is that cheating? Bye for now.

Here we go...

So...I am feeling pretty good. I took the blue tree that I did in the art class and put it in the printer and made copies...the copies deleted part of it because it is bigger than the screen. Anyway, I glued the xerox (black & white) onto a canvas and then I fooled around with some of the stuff I have cut out...found a few things that worked and copied them, cut them out and put them on the xerox of the tree in collage form. I like the monochromatic look of it. It was 2:00 AM by the time I finished that part. This morning @ 6:30AM I put a coat of varnish on it and also a last coat of varnish on my last collage. Now it's protected and I can paint into it. I may not get to it today because of errands and bids...stuff. I feel that I am really feeling my way into this piece...it became, of course, about Original Sin because after all, when you're working with a tree---the next thing that comes to you is an apple and once the apple is there, well, it's just original sin all over again. Probably wasn't even an apple in Eden..maybe it was an orange or a kiwi or a cherry or whatever. Anyway, the apple thing is stuck in my head and at this age.....So, I am excited about painting into these images and also a little scared it will wreck it because I DO like the black and white...maybe I'll make 2. Is that cheating? Bye for now.

New week, new post

So, Today I went to a new class thru the Emeritus (senior) College. The exercise was to work with blue, white and black and first create colors in piles, then create a sky, then go outside and paint a tree. She suggested painting or drawing with paint instead of pencil. So, I came up with a fair tree and sky and the experience was good for me. I had forgotten that I can actually draw. Maybe because my critic has so much to say about the quality of my drawings, or maybe just fear or maybe just lazy. I really want to get away from the analysis of my work, my thoughts on my work and especially on myself. It really doesn't matter why or how I do stuff, only that I keep trying and doing. The more I analyze the more mired I become in the old crapola. So, what I'm trying to say is that it was good to paint a tree. I didn't think so before I started, but I say so now, IT WAS GOOD TO PAINT A TREE. Everyone said mine was the best and that felt good too, but that wasn't the reason I.......STOP THE ANALYSIS! Thank you. I loved mixing the blues and got lost in the DETAILS (hello, Andrew) of putting in highlights and shadows. Highlights and shadows are the most important part of my collages, as well. I like doing them. That's all, If I say anymore I will ANALYZE I think I spelled Analyze wrong but what the fuck.

New Work

I was able to get here because I just learned that it makes a difference if I use Andrew's attachment or put the address in myself at the top. The access is different on each. Anyway, I am working on 3 collages...very time consuming, because there is lots of layering and shadowing with paint and highlighting, etc to get them the way I want them. Did not work with the cutouts , but I will. The 3 collages are very much self-portraits...but inside jobs. More about me, my life and feelings and thoughts than a visual record of me on the outside. I once made an inside/outside box..where the outside of the box was what I believed that people saw me as...how I was percieved and the inside was more of the truth about me, about my thoughts and my own perception of myself. Anyway, the collages are like the inside box. Maybe I'm going somewhere.